Trying To Express Myself

I’ve been trying to say something in this blog that will enable me to move on from this second existance purgatory I’ve carved out for myself.

I’ve been trying to say something that will enable me to explain both why I’ve left Second Life and how I can move forward with this virtual life I’ve created.

My recent import of my blog posts from the Google Blogger blog have kind of thrown my past into the light of day. I always felt my blogs would be useful for gaining a perspective, but I’m kinda ashamed of myself for failing to learn from past experience.

Confronting the Past

The import of my Blogger blog posts and photos went perfectly in that nearly 1,000 posts & associated comments and ~4,000 photos & associated captions were transferred. There were two issues that led me to begin updating all the imported posts though. Virtually none of the Blogger “Labels” were suitable for conversion to WordPress “Categories” and “Tags”. Also, all of the Blogger photos were too small for the more spacious architecture of this blog.

I began working my way back through my old posts updating labels and resizing photos. But here’s the thing that has shamed me, I’ve been reading all of those old posts in order select appropriate Categorizes and Tags, and in that process I’ve seen my interests and thoughts and feelings laid bare. I’ve learned many things about myself, but I’ve also seen myself struggling with certain issues again and again. And I’m really ashamed that I haven’t learned from past experience. In fact, there are three basic, ongoing struggles that color my second life.

Resolving the Struggles

All of my second life experiences have been dampened by my disappointment in Linden Lab’s handling of Second Life technology, priorities and what I believe is its responsibility to the people who live in the world they’ve created. There are far too many posts in my blogs that rant about this disappointment. Virtually all of the disappointment is aimed at the Lab’s top management and board, but it got personal when it came to the designers of Viewer 2. Regardless of how I feel about the Lab’s sense of responsibility, I just need to give this up for once and for all (actually, a second time). Toward this goal, I’ve privatized or deleted most of the rants and I’m going to try to live by Crap Mariner’s axiom, “It is what it is.”

The second struggle has been created by my desire to meet and know and be friends with a seemingly endless number of people. And I’ll include in that my desire to do everything there is to do and be part of and support every event and group that interests me. It’s just too much. In the past I’ve created the time and energy, but since moving to Florida my real life has changed and I don’t all time for all those things I love. In my final days in Second Life, I dreaded logging on because I knew someone I care about, or several someones I care about, would have something they wanted to tell me or to talk to me about or there’d be some group doing something I wanted to participate in. And I couldn’t bring myself to turn off my “Online” status thingie for anyone. This need for privacy didn’t have anything to do with anyone or group, but it had everything to do with changes in my real life.

Finally, since I broke up with my last partner, almost two years ago, I’ve struggled to find a driving force for my second life. There’s an old saying that goes, “Some things can only be experienced once” and I believe that is true. When we come to Second Life, we gain something I’ve begun to call a second innocence. Some people say SL is like high school or college and that works too, it’s that notion of a second chance. Anyway, I feel I spent my second innocence and I know I couldn’t endure another SL romance. I recognized this to some extent and I thought I my interest in adventure would reignite my second life. And I found adventure was a great driving force but… well, it gets complicated because far too often my adventures were frustrated by a variety of issues.

Reading About You, Taking to You, Thinking About You

Since I left Second Life I’ve also been quietly reading many SL blogs. I’ve lurked and studied people who may have experienced some of the feelings I’ve experienced. But I’ve read about people who seem to have found something or interest in Second Life that enables them to move forward and be productive and happy. There’s a wealth of experience among the SL bloggers and I think you know who you are.

Also, I’ve had chats with some friends who’ve shared their own experiences of leaving SL. It’s helpful to learning you aren’t the only one who needed to walk away. The majority of friends I’ve spoken with have understood my feelings without necessarily needed to understand why I needed to leave. A couple friends were offended by the way I left. For them, I can only say I have more than one-hundred SL friends and all of the friends who know me and care about me, are connected to me through my blog.

Here’s something I’ve learned from people who’ve left Second Life, they are glad they did. Some have come back with a new identity. A few bitten the bullet and return as their former self. Everyone I’ve talked to or heard about through others is happier now. Your experiences have helped me and thank you again to those who’ve shared.

Finding A Way Forward

I’m trying out the idea of getting an alt and using her to begin a new type of second life. And let me assure anyone who is concerned that I’ll reengage with them without telling them who I am. I’d consider that dishonest and I won’t do that. No, if I should use an alt it will be as a new identity and a new life.

I’m trying out ideas for using Second Life as a stage for the stories I want to write. I’ve visited Leanna a few times and she has encouraged me to consider things like recreating one of my Zen gardens. That would be very appropriate because the first story I want to write is a re-write of The Samurai & The Geisha. I’ll definitely want to stage new scenes because much of the story will be turned from mostly roleplay to mostly fiction. So I’m thinking about Second Life seriously for a writing stage.

I know that if I find a way to use Second Life, I’ll want to improve my photographic skills. In real life I’m a straight photographer and avoided making touch-ups to photos in Second Life as well. But going forward I’ll be using Photoshop to cleanup my pics. I’m still trying to learn all the tools (“shiney buttons” as Berry calls them) but I can already see the enjoyment this tool brings. When you consider that there are over 5,000 photos in this blog’s media library, I think you’ll see how important photography is to me. And I’m sorry to say that I haven’t invested the time in really presenting the best photos I can.

Yordie Sands Photographer

This is just a little experiment I did with Photoshop.

As Leanna Would Say, “Time Will Tell”

Its been a little over a month since I left Second Life. And I miss all the wonderful things about Second Life, especially friends. But I’m still sorting things out. I know it was time for me to leave and I’m glad I did.

I don’t know how long it will take to find a new second life. However, I’m sure the future will focus on writing and photography. Perhaps a new second life will be a fiction, one of pure imaginaiton, and whatever my name is will just be an actor on a stage. No, no, no, I won’t be a zombie. heh! Well, hopefully not. *smiles*

As Leanna would say, “Time will tell.”

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About Yordie

I'm an avatar in Second Life where I star as the heroine of a virtual fantasy life. In the real world, I'm writing my debut sci-fi novel.
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8 Responses to Trying To Express Myself

  1. kimiaya says:

    Reading this post has brought the biggest smile to my face. I wonder what adventures you will have as a new persona. I’m excited to hear this news and I hope you can find yourself coming back around as a noob filled with wonder. To 2nd noob-hood.

    • Yordie says:

      Hi Kimiya… I’m taking it slow. I have some ideas I want to try but I just want to let them reveal themselves to me. Thanks for the encouragement.

  2. Ceorl Onlyone says:

    Yordie, I am glad to hear that you are at least considering the possibility of a continued engagement in virtual worlds. You are right that we all start out with that reborn youthful exuberance, all adrenalin, hormones and mind widening WOW! experiences. Then for some of us, that burns off and we can either become bored and jaded, or we think of something to actually DO with our lives. (hey this applies to RL too!) So I really applaud your idea of using SL as a tool for creation of fiction, or any other creative activity. It is ok if you need to become a grumpy hermit to do it. Better to transform than to simply cease to (virtually) exist.

    • Yordie says:

      Hi Ceorl… I’m glad you understand where I’m at with this change in my second life. I have begun to think of ways to actually do what I’m considering and, yes, at some point I’ll need some actors to stand on my virtual stages, so I’ll keep you in mind. *smiles* More than anything I just need to let SL be what is is and do what I can with it as it is. Thanks for your comment.

  3. When I was young it took years for me to think my old writings were lame… but as time has gone by, and with the help of blogs, it now takes mere weeks for me to be able to read my previous writing and exclaim in horror, “OMG, you are such a lameizoid!!!”

    BTW, “While You Were Sleeping,” I read Jane McGonigal’s book (or, you know, “reread my book” (or whatever)) The average play span for “games,” WoW, Halo, LoTRO, etc, is 18 months. So many SL peeps “live” beyond that expiration date… I guess there’s a little Roy Baty in all of us…

    In other news our “Alice in Cornelland” proposal was approved. We now have LEA11 for the next few months. I’ve been work buried, but will write about that soon. Meanwhile, if you want to use it in any way for projects, that’d be great.

    Good luck in all adventures large & small sweetie!!

    xoxo

    Meeeeeee

    • Yordie says:

      Hiya Meeeeeeee 🙂 I’m discovering as I reinvent myself for the umpteenth time that reinventing yourself is kind of what gaming is about for a certain type of gamer (that certain type would be me fur shur). I find it very interesting that the average play span is 18 months. I suspect a world like Second Life falls into a different category because, well, you can reinvent yourself ever 18 months if you like and still — technically — reamin in your play span.

      I’m tempted to say, oh, I’ll drop by LEA but in my mental state if I had even the slightest trouble with a teleport I’d blow my O-Ring, so to speak. heh

      I love you and all the iRez crew, and I’m thinking about how and where to drop my new posts. I was thinking that the rewrite of Samurai & Geisha might be a fit if I tie it directly into virtual life.

      xoxo… something about you always makes me smile.
      Yords of Yord City

  4. Carlotta says:

    Yordie,

    I completely understand your reasons for leaving sl. I am a happily married woman, but my life was lonely for a long time because husband had to travel a LOT for business. Now that he is home, life has gotten back to normal, and I don’t need to spend all that time. I am working at a great job, reading, cooking, and taking care of home business.

    What you said about sl relationships is so true. I was lucky to meet two great men who were grand friends to me. Both have left for their own reasons, and I am just not willing to put in the effort to form another pseudo-relationship in the virtual world when things are right for me in my real world.

    The only person I am having a hard time leaving is Carly. In a strange way, that alter ego of mine has become my friend, as we are so much alike. Both pretty happy as loners, and we only allow a very few to come close.

    I hope you find what you need.

  5. Pingback: My Rez Day | Being Yordie Sands

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